hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
