I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
