What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
