He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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