he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
