i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
