i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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