You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We smell like vodka and hangover
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