Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
