I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I deserve this hangover.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
