Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
