ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Randomize
