see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
