I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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