I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My boob is missing a layer of skin
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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