New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
