youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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