so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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