Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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