I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
