i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
