my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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