I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
