I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
