my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
