You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
