God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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