so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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