I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
