her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
