i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
