I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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