I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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