need another drink. this is the easiest way
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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