Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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