My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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