I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
