you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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