You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
