Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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