Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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