I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
