my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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