I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
