I CAN MOONWALK!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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