I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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