In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
