I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
