I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
