I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
