Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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