Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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