lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
