now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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